Self-Sabotage or the Voice of a Child Inside?
I love Kung Fu.
Every time I practice, I feel stronger, more alive, more connected.
And yet… I almost never practice alone.
In class, with my teacher or the group — yes.
But when I try to do it at home, something happens:
Sleepiness.
Sluggishness.
Avoidance.
Suddenly, *anything else* seems more important.
For a long time, I told myself this was sabotage.
But through self-facilitation, I began to see it differently.
Inside, there’s a small child.
She only knew “you have to” and “you don’t have to.”
And if she doesn’t *have to*… she won’t.
Because for her, that refusal = freedom.
This child remembers being forced, pushed, controlled.
She never learned curiosity, only duty.
No amount of discipline or logic can help here.
She doesn’t need rules.
She needs to be met. To be welcomed exactly as she is — hurt, angry, defiant.
When I meet her without an agenda to change her…
Something shifts.
And from that wholeness, I suddenly find myself wanting to practice — not out of duty, but from choice.
This is the paradox of integration:
What we resist in ourselves doesn’t need more pressure.
It needs presence.